Thursday, January 31, 2008

His Mercy and Grace

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my check up and blood work. The doctor was really able to break my blood scores down for me. I thought when the DR at the ER said my scores were high that they would be ok maybe 50 points higher than the norm. Well, a normal to high gallbladder score should be 0-40 mine is 426 I guess that sums up what high really means to the ER.
They ran a series of blood panels on me and are testing for everything on my liver. Their hope right now is that the scores on my liver are high due to my gallbladder. The hope for that is after the gallbladder is removed my liver may be able to heal itself. They are also referring me to a surgeon who will be able to do my surgery promptly.
When they had me go to the lab for my blood work there was an eldery lady who was walking with a walker sitting right beside of me waiting for her blood work. I pondered the idea what will I be like by the time I am her age will I live that long? and if I live that long how many parts will I have lost by then. I feel like Mrs. Potato head (you know that all Mr and Mrs Potato Heads loose their parts pretty quickly) I have lost my tonsils, all female organs, now my gallbladder all in 3 years. Hey at least I have all of the other parts YEAH!
You see as a young child I was very sick for a long time. I had a severe case of scarlet fever and the doctors warned my parents that I may have issues when I was older due to that. My immune system ever since has been very weak but I have done well. I was talking to my brother the other day on the phone and I finally gave in and said "You know I was sick all the time as a child I can not believe that I am going through this again as an adult". I was all into the pitty me deal and honestly angry after all I have been through why me Lord?
Well, I decided after that I was going to quit complaining and look to the Lord for my strength as I stated in my last blog. Tuesday one of my co-workers shared a great verse with me that really helped me to focus on my relationship with the Lord. Yesterday as I was saying I was sitting in the lab waiting for my lab work and the nurse was looking over my file. The little elderly lady started joking around with me and then it was time for her to leave. The nurse put my file down and came over to me she explained that she hadn't seen many files like mine with so many health issues at such a young age and she explained that the Lord had a purpose for what I was going through. I let her know that the verse I was standing on was "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops".
Then she about blew me away with what came next... She said "dear the Lord has had his hand on you since birth and he is using you as his testimony to all around you". You have the strength of his army behind you and inside of you. I forgot that she was drawing several vials of blood all I could think of was how selfish and unthankful I had been.
You know to everything over the past several years now I have been able to use my struggles as a testimony. With my issues with fertility and being told that I may not ever have children and I have 3 beautiful babies. My baby girl my hearts desire since being a child I almost lost her to a nickel lodged in her throat 4 years ago and the Lord saved her little life, 3 years ago I almost lost my marriage and our marriage has been healed and we are now able to currently minister to our neighbor who is going through a seperation, 2 1/2 years ago possible cancer in my tonsils and when they took them out and tested them they were just abnormally large but no cancer present, 1 year ago my scare of cancer and my hysterectomy the Lord showed me how it was caught just one stage away from full blown cancer. Now this year my gallbladder and liver I know that this too will be a testimony to someone some how but it may just be a testimony to myself.
I know that my weakness is that I am a control freak and a very strong willed woman. But, I am finally ready to be the clay and let the Lord be the potter. I am ready for him to mold me and make me into his piece of work because by my own will I am falling apart. With out the Lord I am nothing but a lost sinner trying to make it in this world so full of sin. When you live in this world as part of this world it will tear you apart little by little and no matter what you do by your own will you will eventually drown.
But I have learned that if I take a hold of his garment he will drag me up out of this lake I am drowning in and he will put me back up on his potters wheel and he will make me beautiful in his image as I was menat to be.
His mercy and grace is new to me this morning!